Three little words!

It’s beyond time for a check in. I have been super busy with life, during a global pandemic. Just like everyone else. I haven’t blogged a lot during this time because I can’t complain in this environment… I am fortunate to have found the most physical peace prior to the pandemic hitting.

And thank God for that! especially since Dr. Hibner isn’t with Dignity St. Joseph’s anymore… and he hasn’t surfaced (that I know of) and elective procedures aren’t really allowed anymore since Arizona can’t behave and stop the spread of Covid.

Physically and medically one of the best moves I have made lately was to get a local SI Joint injection provider. Since these joint injections are done outpatient, and in a pain clinic with their own equipment, I was able to obtain SIJ injections with out Botox. It has helped immensely to have access to that care. I have discovered it is most helpful to keep those little bastard ass joints- no one even knows exist- happy and calm, otherwise the chain reaction of pain is awful. All this calm body also means one thing for me…My PGAD is a low 1 or 2. Very minimal if even measurable, some days it isn’t even a one. That’s right…. PGAD is now a ‘bother’ I am easily able to dismiss. READ that again! But, Charlie horses in the pelvic region still exist. They tear through the pelvic floor and take my breath away at the worst times. They are brutal but now they don’t last days or lock my entire pelvic floor down anymore.

I have also returned to Melissa Buss, my amazing pelvic floor physical therapist @ Body Central in Tucson. She has simply been amazing at helping me with different techniques based on my different bothersome symptoms. For the last two months, Melissa has been working to break up the scar tissue that has been binding my intestines and not allowing anything to pass. Our first couple of visits I left there in so much pain… She’d find hard knots of scar tissue in my abdomen around my intestines and she’d push on them until they were no longer hard knots. I was super nauseous at the first couple of visits but eventually, there were no more knots. My intestines are moving again and I am able to eat now. I have been able to put about 10 pounds back on and now my 00 and 0 clothes don’t fit. I have to buy new clothes! My hair is no longer falling out or breaking and my fingernails aren’t pealing anymore. I simply look healthier. My insurance no longer limits the number of visits I can have so we can start working on strengthening the core to help take the pressure off my low back/SI joints. I hope to avoid ablation on the nerves of the SI joints… I want to stop all injections and find a place of Zen for my body.

Mentally, the best move I have made recently was to start seeing a psychiatrist. Not a counselor. She was amazing! I say she was because she went into private cash pay practice… no job for me means no ability to pay cash prices each week… So, I am in transition to see a new psychiatrist she has recommended. I believe I have another week or two until my next visit. The Provider I chose was so good. She did the DNA test to see what psych meds to start with first. Then weaned me off Xanax… She has challenged my thought processes. Challenged me to understand that Xanax just dulls the senses. Xanax is so good at calming anxiety and taking it away, one can lose a sense of what a normal anxiety is supposed to feel like. She insisted anxiety was healthy and normal…it is part of the fight-or-flight process, granted she acknowledged the ‘shred your skin off’ anxiety 110% of the time is, indeed, not normal. I was taking 45 Xanax a month and now I get 5, that I only use for really bad days. I think, of all the drugs I have been on and loved/hated for the bigger part of ten years, Xanax will be the one I will miss the most. <insert HUGE CRYING emoji>….

In addition to the work above with the psychiatrist, I have been processing a lot of information she has given me about PTSD and Trauma. The Psych doc insists the bulk of my trauma was childhood related and not medically induced. I of course, respectfully disagree… How does it start in a childhood I have almost no recollection of? My childhood was not any worse than most others, it was much better than my husbands childhood. I feel like my mom did the best she could with what she had. She loved us, gave us what she could. So I need to reconcile in my mind that it’s the combination of childhood and medical. However, I’ll always believe the medical community is responsible for the bulk of my PTSD. She agreed the medical community did fuck me over but insists the feelings of never being okay and not having a voice came from early on. I have had to kind of stew over it since she is private now and I am waiting on my new therapist appointment. I am interested to hear another person’s professional summary of where the PTSD developed. I hope the new provider can offer better insight for me.

I have been on a lot of job interviews. Tons of phone and skype interviews. Even a couple of face to face interviews. All postings closed with no fill. All closed with no fill or positions suspended with no fill. It’s scary out there right now…

Then I put in an app for something I haven’t done… a line of business with in my scope that I have zero experience with. I honestly don’t remember even putting in this application. They started emailing asking questions. Then we did a phone interview, then a Zoom Interview. Then a face to face interview, where I met with 4 VP’s of the company. Then BAM- offer comes in. For the first time in my whole career, the salary is on point. Then they offer a nice yearly bonus! Hell yes! And it is remote 50% of the time. I get to learn a new line of business, build a whole new model of business for that line of business and make amazing money doing it. This company is over the top, employee friendly. I simply can’t wait to exceed all of their expectations. My excitement over this new position is almost more than I can stand.

Then… The BEST news ever! I ask HR a bunch of questions in email… and stick a drug screen question in there… ask details on where I can get it done by my house for ease…

…and she said the THREE LITTLE WORDS I’ve been waiting 4 years to hear…

… No Testing here!

I almost fainted with joy. Hell YES!! I don’t even have to lie. My medical marijuana use doesn’t matter. Medical Marijuana doesn’t play into my livelihood anymore. I feel a huge weight of anxiety lifted and an lightening on my heart… I can simply be me.

I start Monday! Wish me luck. ❤



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