I have been bone weary tired, lately. Like most adults in the world, I was released from my job. Unlike most of the world, I have enough cash to help pay bills for a while. For that I am blessed, thankful and grateful. I have a couple offers lining up and I am doing some temporary work to cover immediate expenses. With our numbers for Covid increasing, it only stopped all offers.
The ‘released from my job’ business has ended up being a huge blessing. I realized midway in, I had made a mistake linking myself to this business partner. To say our life philosophies didn’t align is putting it mildly. She is a religious zealot. I am not. So it came as NO surprise when she called and told me she wouldn’t put my name on the LLC paperwork to give me my half… her reason? Because God told her not to. And if I had a problem with it, she told me to talk to God. She only does what he tells her to do.’ … …What. The. Actual. Fuck. So, since I refused to drink the cool-aid…. or listen to her ‘David-Koresh’ wanna be bullshit, I decided it was in my best interest to let her and HER business go.
Now- it took a while… for me to let go. Actually. A lot of tears. Telling her off a couple times helped too. It was even more awful because she pulled this bullshit right before Covid hit. The week before the 16th of March. I was shocked, sad and crushed because I busted my ass. Busted my ass for something that isn’t mine. Again, it wasn’t mine. I felt robbed. And somehow, I needed to figure out how to stop my initial response to go kick her ass…
So I started thinking of what I had accomplished there. What had I learned and I started realizing that I now know things for myself that I really didn’t know before. I realized I am smart. I can drive change. I can solve million dollar puzzles! I can diplomatically work for a greedy woman (like her) to maintain my family life and not destroy myself in the process. I can pull groups of people together and show them a different, better way.
I can do those things for people who appreciate me, appreciate the way my brain works and accept me for where I am. And where I am going to be, very, very soon.
The day before ‘Ms. Koresh ex business partner’ ‘fired’ me, I had made an appointment with a local psychiatrist. I knew I needed to get my head space right. If I can’t do that, I’ll never settle down and I’ll never trust myself. I’ve been in some shitty situations in my professional career. Most people don’t believe it when I tell them. But here I am. Stronger. Smarter. Wiser. And this time, I know it. There is no problem I can’t figure out.
The psychiatrist is amazing. She helped me get my DNA/medication test. Never questioned my diagnoses or anxiety. She stopped my panic attack at the first visit and told me I didn’t have to fight like that anymore. She started me on Viibryd. She told me she believed we could fix it and I would eventually not need any medicine. No- she assures me I am not crazy, all my reactions are coming from trauma. PTSD.
Now, we will start to do the work to fix my head space. Intake should be over now. I told her my reality is pain. It’s always been pain. I’ll never be at zero on the pain scale but after living at at ten on the pain scales, I can handle a 2-3, overall. But this anxiety that makes me claw my skin off has got to go. And NOW!
I’ll no longer apologize for anything. I did what I had to to survive a hell most people don’t even know exists. I am proud to be alive. Finally.
Now- pray, send positive vibes and healing thoughts my way. I’ll take all the positive I can get. One more long battle ahead and I am ready. My terms. My life. My future.
Head up, feet down.
Head up, feet down. I love you N.