Ugly Cry

I’m sitting outside. Watching the beautiful moon rise. I don’t know if I have ever seen one like this. It is a full moon tonight. The clouds were initially glowing yellow with moonlight behind the mountains. No moon visible yet. The night sky is dark, black. The sun long gone… looks like a Hollywood scene.

I’m smoking a nice indica. The temperature is an amazing 87 degrees. The stars are still visible, beautiful and bright.

It was a hell of a day. I worked 14 hours but only billed 12. Everything in my house eats all the time so I fed something or someone all day, the mother in law called- required help (for something the family should not allow at all). It pissed me off. Then I dropped my whole cup of water in the living room. The kid woke up super grumpy and crying. The husband got home and the day just went to shit… so I went back to work. Hence, the 14 hour day. The husband comes in with work clothes on. He got called out.

The kid comes in and sits at the bar and I can tell she’s been crying. Poor baby is just like me. You can see her face is all blotchy… but, I don’t point it out. I just start cleaning the kitchen. Waiting to see if she spills what’s on her mind. I wasn’t expecting what I got.

Months ago, she tapped out and asked to go to the doctor for her periods. After over a year of craziness, she wanted to see the gynecologist for them. They were irregular and she kept reporting pain but it was vague. I took her to see the gyn that I’ve been with forever… the doctor that believed me. And also delivered her 13 years ago.

Our first visit with Dr. Chin was good. Since the kid is only 13, doctor decides no pelvic exam. I was so thankful that didn’t have to happen and supported a hands off, talking approach. After hearing the issues, the doctor said she was going to get an ultrasound just to make sure everything was fine. Probably start birth control after that, depending what the US showed.

The appointment for her US was in early Feb. I busted my ass to get her there and we almost cancelled due to lack of time- mine, no one else’s… but something told me to get my ass in gear and finish her medical appointments! So, we piled in the car and hauled ass to the doctor office for an ultrasound. I didn’t expect any diagnosis that day. I sat in the clinic US room and watched while the tech performed the US. But I didn’t know there was a radiologist actually watching the US real time. The tech calls on a walk-in talkie radio for doctor to review the results with us.

Radiologist comes in and says to the tech-go back to the right ovary, it’s polycystic. Then let’s look at the left as it’s the same. Doctor, speaking to the kid, explains what he sees, showing her the detail in the pictures. Her ovaries look like little moons… full of craters. He asks if she has questions and she says no.

Meanwhile I’m sitting there, dying inside, trying not to show any emotion. Fuck! PCOS. A whole body disease. Diagnosed at 13. I wanted to cry. I was expecting them to poo poo us and send us on our way that every thing was normal. I expect endometriosis. Maybe a cyst. Never PCOS. The one pelvic disease I don’t have. My whole heart was heavy.

Fast forward to today. The gyn put her on the pill and I don’t think it’s the right pill for her. My normal, chill kid is now a hot ass mess of emotions. This whole pandemic and home schooling business has not been easy. She sleeps all day. Refuses to do her homework. almost refuses to do anything. Expect sleep.

She is grumpy. I am grumpy. Never a good combo.

So, Back to this evening. I am loading the dishwasher, waiting on her to say something. She doesn’t.

So I ask if she was hungry? If she needed anything and she burst into tears and said having PCOS wasn’t fair. I burst into tears and simply said she was right. It wasn’t fair. We both just cried. Ugly cried.

Then I told her about my research. PCOS is a whole body disease. There are things we can do to help her by simply managing some of the symptoms. She told me about her research (my girl!!! ❤

We talked about making her a dermatologist appointment. The oily skin and hair is most bothersome to her. So I’ll make a dermatologist appointment tomorrow. We also discussed the need for a pediatric endocrinologist. I made her an appointment the day we got the diagnosis- but it’s not until July. And finally we discussed that the birth control may not be the right one for her and it’s time to call the doctor and ask for advise… keep the current pill or try a different one. I talked to her about metformin, diet, weight control and insulin resistance.

Those are the biggest things my research has shown we need to focus on. I joined a PCOS, not trying to conceive, Facebook page and I asked those ladies what they wished their mom knew about having PCOS at 13 and what they would like to have told their mom. I asked what has helped them. Universally, those things we touched on were in almost every comment.

She instantly perked up when I told her the pills may not be the right ones for her body. They appear to be making her feel awful, be crabby and tearful- she looked at me with big eyes, full of tears and ask, it can do that? Yes! Baby girl, it does do that. And it’s okay because I get it. And, so does Daddy. We get it.

We had a good, ugly cry. Together. I promised to help her manage the symptoms and we discussed next steps so we are on the same page and have the same expectations. She was much calmer and I am so glad I can be here. With her. I assured her that dad and I both know pelvic diseases and we are both here to help her feel better.

I told her that we had an opportunity to see this not as the worst thing that’s ever happened to her but as something we can climb on top of now. Make positive changes that will carry her into her future as healthy as possible. With out fear. With out pain. With out PCOS being the worst thing that’s happened. I want to teach her that it’s just something to fold into your life. Into the daily management. Not something that controls her life. This is where an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

I never wanted this for my baby.

I am thankful to be alive. Thankful to be able to help my baby navigate living with a whole body disease. Thankful to *still be working. Thankful for my husband and kid. My small circle of friends and family.

Please, be safe. Kiss your loved ones and take care of each other.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s