I feel tired. Depressed. Exhausted… Heartbroken. Every sad emotion and then every angry emotion are all running through me. I don’t understand why I survived not offing myself only to wind up in a pandemic not more than 6 months later. Son of a bitch! Really?
God has a sick sense of humor.
And, I am over it. I didn’t want to be locked in a house 24/7 but I can’t live with myself if I get my family sick because I, ignorantly, refuse to stay at home.
I worry every day. Every hour, hell- every minute of the day… the same thing runs through my head- How do I survive with my family intact- healthy wise and then financially? How can I think of anything but? I am stuck in the house, and have been for a more than a month. My financial security is out the door. I have been waiting to loose my job since this hit. Fortunately, I have been able to hold on to it. Not without taking a financial hit with a large salary reduction, but I still have full time work. So I hit the job, happily, every day and try my best to do my best for a company that pays my salary. I don’t complain about the work or the people, I just do everything I can to keep my job. I don’t even know if I’d qualify for unemployment.
I worry about my husband and my daughter. They both have asthma and blood things that may not jive with Covid like a healthy person’s would. I know I have autoimmune issues but what that means, we don’t know.
Next, I worry about taking care of my dad. He needs me. He is my responsibility and everything he needs is all up to me to get for him. Scary thought, if I get sick, who helps my dad? My husband would, of course but if my husband gets sick? And what in the hell would I do if my dad gets it and has to go to the hospital? I just couldn’t even live with myself and they’d never let me at his bedside and that simply can not happen.
Mental health wise… fuck me. I am a hot ass mess. Crabby and tearful and then crabby again. Never just chill. I cry, a lot. I find it almost impossible to sit and even write a blog, much less focus on anything that takes brain power. ANXIETY
So, during lockdown, I have sewed masks for local medical facilities, broke the serger and now the scissors need sharpening (but those are non essentials so it’ll have to wait for repairs) , painted some of the kids room (she kicked me out and said she was cool to do it alone…) it still isn’t done. I have cooked a shit ton of dinners, made breakfasts, lunches… holy cow- all the people in this house do is eat. All the damn time. Loads and loads of laundry. Cleaned everything, then cleaned it again. Built planters in the back yard, built the turtle a new den, golfed (I watched, neck pain stopped my play), went hiking in the desert (she calls to me), grocery shopped- a LOT! Holy food, I had no idea what groceries would even be needed in lockdown. I haven’t ever purchased enough food for two weeks and not gone back to the store! Now, with the purchasing restrictions or just lack thereof of for supplies, I have to shop both Saturday and Sunday to stock my house and my dads house and the husbands mother needs some assistance too. I have worked one 1000 piece puzzle and the second one is in the works. I installed a new ceiling fan. Painted my whole bathroom a cool modern grey and starting on the master bedroom.
My girlfriend told me to take some damn adderall. My reply… yes please, I’ll take Two- with an iced soy vanilla latte! Anxiety makes it impossible for me to sit still so I don’t even bother. Anxiety with a sprinkle of fear. It’s almost paralyzing.
I am trying to stay healthy, and out of pain and uninjured! The SI joints are moving again and it hurts like hell. I want to get them injected but not until Covid is calmer.
So, here’s to hoping all 300 units of Botox doesn’t wear off in quarantine!
Despite my best efforts, I was injured at the very start of this lockdown mess and got awful whiplash (nothing exciting, unless you call the dog tripping me… and both of us going down in a blaze of glory exciting). I was shocked I didn’t break my collar bone or wrist or hip. It was pretty bad… Anyways, I am still in a shit ton of pain so 5 weeks into quarantine , I finally brave the chiropractor. I have been his patient for over ten years. We are discussing my journey and how I ended up with Hinber… and I mentioned that I have been diagnosed with SI Joint Dysfunction and they were actually recommending I fuse the joints. He stopped dead and said No. No way. I have never, ever heard of a patient having their SI joints fused so you better get a second and third opinion before you let them do that to you! WOW- I knew it wasn’t standard practice but I also know I am not a standard patient….
So, staying home and riding out Covid 19 is the new thing to do. I’ll shut my mouth and ride the same ride everybody else is on…. Covid 19 has changed the world. Forever. I still have my health and my job. My family are all healthy and working. Life is stable right now. What else could I ask for?