Climb back up…

Last week was a hell of a week. Working out of town, added stress of leaving my family and added stress to perform tip top this week because I was on site with a very important client.

The environment my team and I walked into was toxic. They don’t want us there… And we were scheduled to be there ALL week.

Not only did we manage to survive, I believe we were able to impress the leadership team of the company. Overall, we did amazing.

Personally, the week ended up with chaos. Nothing worth documenting as it was all so idiotic… but I’m upset with myself. I reacted instead of walking away.

May not seem like a lot but I have a personal rule. USUALLY -I remind myself often: don’t react. Do NOT react. But, I reacted. And it cost me time, energy, money and a massive fucking panic attack.

Since Friday, I feel like I’ve been running in a marathon of anxiety. And that marathon of anxiety, it’s only in my fucking head!

I finally made it home and just crumbled. A complete crying, snotty mess. Which pissed me off even more.

The weekend was full of sleeping and cleaning. Errands and then the kid got sick. So, off to UC we go. Viral. <<insert sarcastic, but of course it IS>>.

No matter what I do, I can not shake this anxiety. It sits heavy, on my chest and in my heart. Weighing all of me down… where everything feels awful.

It’s been a minute since I had to deal with that level of panic… then, when the worst if it was over, reality set in and I remember that I am never really okay. I’ll always be sitting on the ledge, waiting for the next battle. It’s just a nasty cycle where I climb back up and get knocked back down. Climb up. Knock down. Up. Down.

Was that calm I achieved an illusion?

No way.

It was real. I can get there again. I know I can.

But, that climb looks daunting. And I am tired.

I’ve been taking a daily Xanax. Or two, or three. Just depends on the day. My stress level and the events of the day. Mostly, I’ve been able to separate the medical from the anxiety level so what would normally have doubled my pain hasn’t. But, I am constantly reminding myself to relax my body, sit differently. Stretching and hot baths have saved my pain level. And muscle relaxers… but overall, it is creeping up. I’m at a 4 now. It was a 1-2. I will go ahead an make moves to schedule my next Botox then SIJ Injections right after. Probably try for end of April, beginning of June. I hope it helps get me a full year of no injections…

Oh, to Dream! A full year, no injections.

So, I’m sitting, watching the sun rise. It is a clear, crisp morning. Coffee, weed and my dog. Organizing the day in my head. praying for calm…

Time to start that climb back UP, to the edge of calm. Out of this chaos of anxiety.