I am trying to keep a peace about my world. A world where stress and anxiety simply don’t have a place to thrive. While also trying to detox off Xanax and muscle relaxers. While the muscle relaxers are easy to not take… my Xanax is a different thing all together. I may never be off it.
I’m trying to learn new tools to deal with the anxiety so now, when anxiety strikes, I ask myself if it is justified. If so, is there something I can do immediately to relieve the anxiety? Sometimes it’s something small like, log in and pay a bill. If those things don’t work to relieve anxiety then, can I get my husband on the phone to talk and work through the anxiety? Is it work related? Can my business partner help me? What can I do to relieve anxiety before it builds?
Overall, now that I work for myself. My anxiety is typically a low 3. But it is still a buzz of energy that just can’t be snuffed out. When it peaks, my vision fades and my heart races and I know I am close to a panic attack. Luckily, I haven’t had a panic attack like that in a long time.
It’s been over 6 months since I left a position that I should have left a long time ago. While it has helped me immensely to have a different job, it hasn’t removed all stresses. I still have deadlines. I still work with awful people. Only now, I’m the consultant. It is very rewarding to build your own legacy but it isn’t with out anxiety.
While I had hoped being at home would help me gain weight, it hasn’t helped much. I had hoped to be 15lbs heavier by now. Ha! While I have gained a touch back it is not enough to need new clothes. All my double zero’s still fit like a glove. Guess I should be happy the weight losses seem to have stopped (although, I’m not sure what the fuck is less than a double zero???… seems like I’ve already lost all there was to possibly lose).
Since my last procedure was incomplete (Hastings didn’t show up to my injection appointment since Hibner ran late and didn’t start me until 530pm) and I got everything but the SIJ injections, it showed me that those joints alone compromise about 40-50% of my total pain now. I feel like knowing this will allow me to stretch the next Botox appointment a year!! Because, duh. My logical thought… if I can increase the SIJ injections and control the start of the pain, then maybe, just maybe, by keeping those little bastards in check, it will allow for my body to need less Botox! So. I have started the daunting task of looking for a new, local, pain management doctor to manage my SIJ needs. If I want to have better, faster and more improved access to the SI Joint Injections, it’s time to look locally.
For a new doctor.
A new doctor.
…<<<<Insert PTSD reaction now>>>>…
Breathe in. Breathe out. I can do this.
I need to do this.
I call a clinic (that I’ve not fired before -haha-) and ask a ton of questions. Poor gal that had the misfortune of answering the phone… patiently answered my questions about the clinic. I mean everything: the providers, their skill set of doing SIJ Injections (they all do them), do they have a unit in clinic to do the injections or must it be done in the hospital (clinic procedures)…. and then finally- the biggest question of all- their medical marijuana policy (they allow it- with active Medical Card only). So far, so good.
Of course, she asks for the history to know *where to put me and with what doctor. I explain my high level issues and why I know exactly what needs to be done. ~I’m not your typical case… I exhausted Mayo Clinic. Landed with Hibner. Over the last 4 years we’ve added injection on top of injection on top of injection on top of bladder hydro and 300 units of pelvic floor Botox until his partner, Hastings, diagnosed me with SI Joint dysfunction. Hastings did the first SIJ injections in conjunction with everything else Hibner does and I was pain managed for the first time in forever. I don’t want pills. I only want the Injections Hastings did.
She wanted to talk to a provider and look at their schedule and see what could be done. She said she’ll call me back…Sure but I figured I’d have to chase her down. Nope. She called today. I have an appointment for SIJ Injection consult the 7th and I hope to follow that with the soonest Injection slot they can give me.
Wish me luck! Anxiety and PTSD flare around new doctors. The thought of explaining my medical life. My journey and pain… sprinkled with PGAD always makes me cry. I somehow live those pains again.
However, this time, I finally have a new , unexpected chapter to add…
How I survived it all. ♥️