How close was it?

I am in the hospital tonight. For my second procedure of the year! Yes! You read that right. It’s almost the end of the year. And I have had two procedures, not 4!!! My January injections lasted soooo long.

I had a looooong day but my brother, he’s a rockstar… I love that man. ♥️ he sat here till I made him leave at 9 something. We were told to check in at 1 but we were early. Not usually a big deal until my surgeon ran late… so late that I didn’t even get all my injections in. Everything Dr. Hibner could do was done. Now, I have to try and get Dr. Hastings to do the SI joint Injections at a later date. I wanted to cry when Dr. Hibner told me today but at 530, there wasn’t much to be done about it but get the other items Hibner could do, done. Hibner was cute- he said he could do them if I insisted but he hasn’t been formally trained and preferred I wait for Hastings. I love him- I opted to stay in the safe zone… I’ll just reschedule that procedure with Hastings.

Another unforeseen drawback of a 6pm procedure is that I am super tired but here I sit. 4am. WIDE AWAKE! Been this way since I begged my Brother to go home at 9pm something.

Dr Hibner said today, before my procedure, that I look the best he has ever seen me. Remember, Hibner has seen me melt, I mean M.E.L.T. D.O.W.N. Multiple times. I made/make no apologies for all my melt downs. The last 9 years have been rough but the last three have been what nightmares are made of… scary shit.

Living with diseases that most medical staff don’t believe exist, being dismissed by the medical community, exhausting Mayo Clinic… the million dollars my husband and I have paid in copays, insurance premiums, surgery after surgery, doctor after doctor, traveling to see other doctors, seeing arrogant doctor after arrogant doctor. Loosing my job of 12 years and my promotion… losing my mom.

I can keep going but the point is that I really just didn’t want to live anymore. I had reached the lowest I could go without taking action to actually end my life. Horrible, intrusive thoughts of how to do it. All because I wanted … to let go of this shadow of pain for the final time… that’s what I dreamed of. My world with no pain. A place I could find some peace. A zone where anxiety wouldn’t make me want to shred my skin just to find release. I just needed a quiet body. I needed some calm in the utter chaos that is my BODY.

It’s hard to write that. Only I’ll know how close my end was.

I know some will wonder what stopped me, why I didn’t do it. How did I resist ending the pain? …the answer is easy- The knowledge that the pain my daughter, husband, sister, bother & dad would feel would be a pain more intense than anything I had ever physically felt. And it would last the rest of their lives. I simply couldn’t choose to inflict that type of pain on them.

So what changed, you ask? I assure you, it was a HUGE combination of things. First and foremost, the love and support from my family never weakened. Oh, and friends- some amazing friends that accepted me for what I could give them. Some texted daily to check on me. Never demanding anything more. I feel like the 2nd reason with the most weight is the complete success of the blocks in January. I got months of pain management/relief. I hadn’t had months of relief in YEARS! I finally felt like I had all the pieces to my pain puzzle and it was REAL! Fucking Real! Documented by one of the worlds most respected surgeons in the Endo community. I wasn’t crazy like they told me I was and tried to make me believe. And there are treatment options still available. I quit my high stress job (with my lovely husbands support). And I finally took my power back in the professional realm. Found another less stressful job while I worked to build my consulting name. Recently, I went full time as a consultant and found a lovely business partner that accepts my craziness and I love her for it. Of course there are other amazing things that happened but those are the key pieces of change that helped settle my soul.

Suicide wasn’t the answer. I want to be clear. Suicide is never the answer because Suicide transfers the pain you feel, tenfold onto the ones you love the most. That is and was a pain I just could not inflict on my family because even if my pain ended, theirs would just begin.

I am not healed. I’ll never be healed. I’m not well. I’ll never be well. There is no end date to being chronically ill like this. I don’t have cancer that is cured. I will always be sick but it doesn’t get to always control my life anymore.

My brother told Dr. Hibner that he is finally seeing his old sister in there again. ♥️ I plan on sticking around. I’ll never be the person I was before my body hi-jacked my life but I can finish healing my fractured soul and live my life for all it’s worth. That’s all I wish for now as I fix my environment.



#oldgirlintheendogame #interstistialcystitis #PGADwarrior #MMJalltheway #TeamHibnergirl

2 thoughts on “How close was it?”

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