… *sigh*

The last couple days, I look 4 months pregnant when I wake up.

At night, I appear to be 6 months pregnant.

Jesus. It hurts. Takes my breath away to have something hit my belly. Particularly, a beautiful -huge- puppy that loves to ram his snout into my body to get my attention. He is smart and learning not to do that but the couple of times he has nailed me is enough to make my vision fade to black for a sec.

I saw my PCP last week. I’ve got to better manage the anxiety I feel daily. It doesn’t matter if everything is right in my world or not, I feel like clawing my skin off to give the anxiety an exit! I’m on Xanax but it is more of a rescue than a viable management solution. We discussed the fact that I really need both, anti anxiety and antidepressant but in discussing my options, I’m left with SSRI’s as the antidepressant options. Fuck that. I cried. Of course.

*Sometimes I feel like a big cry baby. Thank god I’ve survived enough, lived enough to not care what others think.

With tears rolling down my face, that I just couldn’t stop, I ask Dr. D to help me understand the long term, physical effects of being on opiates like I was. I said that even though I was never considered an ‘addict’ in the traditional sense of the word, what if I should be physically treated as such?

He quickly corrected me… trying to tell me I wasn’t an addict.

I admit, We argued.

Dr. D said: You never used more meds than allotted… never called me for a refill before it was time.

Me: I never allowed myself to run out. Pffft! I even stockpiled that shit!

Dr. D: but you didn’t deplete your body for addiction. Your use was legit.

We settled on ‘EX Long Term Opiate user’. EX-LTOU for short. Hahahaha… poor Dr. D. Putting up with my ass for so long. I’m gonna sob when he retires.

So, I say, again, am I missing something we should be replacing since I was an EX-LTOU?

Dr D said the only studies are of addicts & their long term replacement needs are hormonal in nature. We both laughed- he said we know that’s not an option for you. They don’t have research on patients like you. He accentuated- most people who go on fentanyl don’t come off.

I say: Of course, I *wink*wink* wouldn’t have either if not for medical marijuana.

We end the visit with a new script for Buspar. It isn’t an SSRI and it’s anxiety only. He gave me permission to play with my dose, as he knows is a requirement for me when trying new meds, and he gave me the parameters I could play with.

I am reestablishing with my Tucson therapist this month. Maybe I can work through the anxiety with the help of buspar and counseling. Maybe some depression too. One can hope.

I see Hibner the 11th. Then I have to wait to schedule for the procedure(s) date. I find I’ve been trying to talk myself out of one procedure after another.

…I don’t need the bladder installation… then the bladder flips out and I feel like I need to pee 24/7.

I moved to thinking I didn’t need the Botox.

…Maybe, I can skip the Botox and then the procedure(s) won’t be so physically taxing… Then I remember the stabbing pains a couple weekends ago. And a couple that tip through there daily to remind me what pain really is.

…Maybe I can just do the SI joint Injections…


It really is all or nothing now. I have to do them all or I risk not getting the same relief as last time. It’s a risk I’m just not willing to take. I quietly resign myself for the physical whammy I’m about to absorb. My poor little body is tired.

Love and kindness, as my friend Callie says. Time for MORE self care and maybe a full ‘Netflix and chill, homemade pizza, ice cream and popcorn’ kinda weekend AT HOME is in order…



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