I’m ready for that new vagina, please.

Whoa. Today sucked. Pain wise, I had been bad lately, not horrible but bad enough to make me call Hibner for my next Botox, hydro, pudendal nerve and si joint Injections.

First, a couple weeks ago, my huge puppy rammed his snout into my left pelvic floor. It was so painful, I Instantly fell to my knees and cried. But half an hour before that, I just told my love that it was time for more Injections and I was going to call Hibner for his first availability. Then the dog takes me out.

It’s been a mildly stressful due to some money shifts to logistically cover some bills and stressful because I find myself at a job that I didn’t initially see was rewarding for me all while praying I can figure out how to build my independent consulting name and open my own company. Not gonna lie, tears and more tears were shed. Then add a pain level of 6 back on top and it was a recipe for stress.

I know my body responds to stress by shutting down and this was NO exception. My stomach responded by not asking for food. At all. Then if I forced food, it sat all day and required zofran to keep it there. 3 damn days I at lactose free yogurt and lactose free cheese and crackers. I can’t loose more weight… fortunately it was only 3 days this time. My overall Inflammation is high. My belly is swollen like I’m pregnant. My joints are painful and swollen. I have low back pain and my toes are cramping horribly… all that means about a 6 on my pain scale.

….

Then.

…..

Freaking Charlie horse hell. The left side of my pelvic floor was spasming and causing Charlie horse after Charlie horse cramp to rip through my whole vagina. I tried to find a pressure point to stop the spasms but I simply couldn’t reach the area. I cried. My pelvic floor continues to Charlie horses like that for most of the morning. Bad. I was instantly at a ten on the pain scale. I decided I better not bladder train during that time and push my bladder since my pelvic floor was locking up. Hubby and I were at a local favorite hole in the wall eating lunch and I said I was going to try and pee to see if my bladder was causing the Charlie horse issue… I go to the women’s bathroom and promptly discovered I could not relax enough of the muscles to let urine out without causing massive ripples of Charlie horses. I saw stars and then black… and almost passed out… in the local roach coach bathroom. Thank God I didn’t because that particular bathroom floor is not where I want to wake up at. It took a good few minutes to get it to stop long enough to pee but i managed to relax enough and I’m so thankful it did otherwise I believe I’d have ended up in ED for urine retention. Whoa, it took my breath away. This went on all morning, for hours. Then at about 1pm, just like a switch was flipped, it stopped. Abruptly. No rhyme or reason.

I’d like to say it stopped so everything is fine now. No. My body kicked up the pain receptors and their little feelers are all freaked out. Translation; now, I hurt all over. My toes are cramping in the left foot now, the sciatica on the left is pissed and now the whole clitoral area is hypersensitive. While none of this is the 10 on my pain scale from earlier, combined It’s a steady 6.

The good news, I’m scheduled to see Hibner on September 11. The bad news, I have to wait to see Hibner until the 11th and it’s only a follow up to justify to the Insurance that I need these things done. again. It’ll probably be 6 weeks after that to get on his injection schedule.

Until then, it’s calm and self care for this girl. Rest and scheduling and planning for the next 3 months. Otherwise, the pain will easily overtake me again.

And, I’m determined to not sink again.

For the first time in years, years- my house is spotless- SPOTLESS. Laundry is done and folded and put away (not couch surfing until it gets worn/washed again and ends up back on the sofa). All the bills are paid & current– at the same time. I’m not spending $1000 a month on prescription medications, copays and surgeries. There is a little bit of money in savings. The kid is wanting to find a hobby she can excel at and find college scholarships….

I guess what I’m saying is this: for the first time in years I am out of complete darkness and into shades of contrast and color and I’ll be damned if I don’t fight for every single color of beauty I can now see… because, I know I can achieve calm in my body and I’ll always seek to regain it since I know that it’s obtainable.

Pray I make it to the 11th and then that they have a quick schedule opening after that.

Until then, self care. ♥️

Love and prayers

xx

LS

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