Hello Pain

And just like a flip of the switch, my low back pain is a 7 out of 10 and climbing. I have a mini-migraine as is typical with a high pain level. I’m nauseous and ready for a hot shower, heating pad and bed. Maybe a Percocet in there… not sure yet where this pain will lead me now that it is here. While I despise Percocet and opiates, there is a time and a place and last time the pain was super bad, I knocked it out with Percocet, sleep and heat and battled the pain demon away for another time.

~~I wrote that last night, 7pm… I didn’t take a Percocet, i just went to bed. ~~

Today, I feel the weight of pain. It’s a dull 6 at wake up, what will a full day of work do to it… A Heaviness in my hips. A wrap of pain that hugs my hips like a huge rubber band. It tightens with every move. The pain flows through the inside of the hip bone and down the inside on my groin and finally radiating Down to nothing my by knee. Both fucking sides!

Anxiety like a mofo. It’s super hard to breathe with the weight of this internal anxiety. I honestly know why people self harm to release. If I could cut the top, it’ll relieve the pressure inside. Unfortunately, logically, I know that won’t solve anything for me. It’ll just leave me with cuts and shredded skin. And I’ll still be full of anxiety. Anxiety over work. Anxiety over medical. Anxiety over health. Anxiety for my family- living with me can’t be cool. Anxiety is my vibe. I hate it.

I can’t stop crying today. Been crying since I got up. I’ve had half a pot of coffee and it’s just not enough to shake the heaviness I feel. Mostly because I feel a sadness that Every day I wake up I actually ask myself if I’m okay living this way another day. Luckily, every day, the answer has been yes- mostly because I believe I am stronger than this pain. I know I’m meaner… thanks to my momma. So, Today, I can do it again. When the day comes, and that my answer to that question changes then I’ll reach out and let my family help me through it. I had a beautiful person tell me to hold onto the small joys and keep them in the front of my mind, especially when it gets rough. I promise I’m trying.

I did call Jaffee’s surgery scheduler. Explained that I needed more info. Where are the leads placed? Does he even think the procedure will work for me? She left a message for doctor to call me. Dr Jaffee called me back. Poor guy. I almost feel bad he has to deal with me and the after effects of years of dumbass doctors mis-treating me and dismissing me but what ever, nothing I can do about that now.

Anyways, Jaffee calls and said he does think the procedure will help me. He consulted multiple other specialists and while there are two placements available for the leads:

1. S3, anchored to bone

2. Direct Pudendal nerve placement

He states that he will only offer me one type, S3 with anchoring. He said placing the leads in the direct pudendal nerve wasn’t a viable option for me because of lead migration. The leads can’t be anchored in direct pudendal placement and with my hyper Mobil pelvic floor, he won’t even try it. I asked his opinion on waiting as long as I could pain wise, to do the procedure and he said there wasn’t a need to wait since I have pain all the time.

When I’m ready to schedule, she said it’s a week, two week lead time to get me in to do the trial. Holy crap. That means if I chose to do this, I’ll be in surgery for more pokes soon.

Time to analyze all my info. When I make my final decision, I’ll update the blog.

Prayers please.



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