I am the lowest I’ve weighed in my adult life. Most people would be thrilled but I’ve mostly always been small. Size 2-4 when I got pregnant. After a crazy hard pregnancy, I gained weight and hovered/fluctuated around a size 8-10-12. I was happy with my curves and would have loved to be a good size 6 again. So, Being the smallest I’ve ever been means I weigh 100lbs. I just recently saw 110 but then got sick with some stomach thing and now I’m at 100lbs. I assure you the 110lbs now didn’t look like 110lbs looked 20 years ago.
I’m devastated. I look like a Skelton. Like a person who has suffered years of anorexia or bulimia. I am doing all I can to stop the losses but it just keeps rolling off. My daughter saw me get into the shower the other day and she gasped. I assured her it was okay but she had tears in her eyes.
I had to buy new bras today. I had been crying all damn morning about it. I just gave in and took a Xanax so I could finally get this done! Last time I was measured, they told me they don’t carry bras in my size if I go down again, chest size. So, that means I am smaller than a size 0 model. Where does one buy bras that small? It’s given me massive anxiety and I made a comment to a coworker that I’d needed to do this… she said stop complaining because she has to now buy clothes at Lane Bryant and I said, who cares! I’ll be buying clothes at Justice! We both teared up. Laughed and hugged.
Procedure update. I still feel good and that makes me feel a little like I’m crazy. It is absolutely astonishing to me the amount of pain my body can endure and my mind will dismiss as ‘not that bad’ when it is actually calm. And damn it. That’s makes me think I’m crazy! My saving grace today, the blog. I love this blog and how it’s reminding me that my brain can play all the tricks it wants, but when it’s written by me during horrible times, I have my own personal reminder of what it’s really like when it is bad.
The PGAD- a calm 0-2 most times and only flares to a max 5. That’s from a constant ten, pre procedure. For that, I’m always grateful.
Pelvic floor- still have Charlie horses rip through there and some days are bad but most are good!
SI joints- still dislocating but since I can pop them back into place, I refuse any additional treatment. Their idea of treatment seems like mid evil torture! Fusing both of the SI joints was recently recommended as a viable treatment.
I still need to call Hibner and get a follow up. And my next procedure scheduled. 😔 I now dread the complete exhaustion the anesthesia will cause. The pain of the epidural (I’m still trying to get my spine to stop hurting from the last procedure). I’ll see if I can stomach the thought of getting another procedure on the books for April/May.
Still searching Dr. Google for any auto immune clues.
I’m waiting and watching as another PGAD sufferer gets her interstim trial for the treatment of PGAD. I hope, pray and beg the powers that be for her treatment to be successful. ♥️ she deserves calm!