No neon arrows.

Just as I suspected. There was no ‘flashing neon sign’ highlighting the exact issue on my pelvic MRI. Hell, There were no signs to point to anything abnormal in the pelvic cavity.

Dr. Hastings called and went over the results with me. She too, didn’t think there would be any great ‘ah-ha– that’s it’ deformities visible on the MRI.

Dr. Hastings also asked about the SI joints. The right joint is fine but the left SI joint is still killing me. She stated that the joints are too Mobil and it may be time to see a specialist for evaluation. I was driving so I couldn’t write the name down but Dr. Hastings said this doctor can inject the ligaments of the SI joints with a sugar water solution that the ligament will then create scar tissue around so the joint isn’t hyper mobile. I have to research the hell out of this. Building scar tissue is not my idea of a good time…

Dr. Hastings also stated that on the clitoral ultrasound guided nerve block, the veins around the area are larger than normal and that will require another surgery to fix it. Because I need another procedure…. but most upsetting to me is I called Hibner’s office when all of this shit started and told them something was wrong. The swelling isn’t normal and it goes away at night and comes back during the day. Some days are horrible and others aren’t noticeable. Dr. Hastings wasn’t around when all that went down so there isn’t anything she can say.


I wanted to fucking scream and throw my phone out the window while I’m flying down the highway.

I want to scream: Living like ‘THIS’ (I just gestured to my entire body)… means that I constantly feel like I want to rip my skin open. Just Shred it- and let all this energy out. Let all the pain and suffering just leave my body. Lifting itself up and up and out of all the holes in my skin. As the pain leaves my body, I get to feel lighter and lighter until there is no pain. No.more.pain. Once the pain goes, the rest will too…. No more doubt. No more anxiety. No more judgement. No more wrong answers. No doubt that I’m am really not crazy. No more over-processing and analyzing everything.

But no… I don’t do any of those things. I sat quietly, On the phone and Let her tell me I need more surgery and more procedures. Despite me asking for another alternative. Despite me begging for another option to live with… explaining to her that more blocks and procedures isn’t the answer. That’s no future at all.

I will have to follow up with Hibner to talk about the vascular issues. As I type that, my heart sinks. I may need a break before I can do any more medical appointments. The heart ache that accompanies each appointment piled up until it is to hard to overcome. I want to find some viable pain relief options for the long term. Guess I’ll call and see how long it takes me to even get an appointment.

Send prayers and positive vibes. I need them all right now.



2 thoughts on “No neon arrows.”

  1. My dear oversea friend, it’s midnight here and I just read this. Sometimes it’s just fine to say it sucks, forgive my french. It does and it’s fine to sweat, to scream and cry.
    There are only few things we can control, pain is physical and mental at the same time, and one conditions the other: how can we be calm and stress free when constantly in pain? Is an urgency from our body to react in this way, it’s survival.

    I do send you all the positive vibes I’m capable of, they’ll cross the ocean and the desert to be right with you.

    Liked by 1 person

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