I won’t even lie and pretend to be okay. The reality that I won’t find a mechanical root cause for PGAD- meaning it isn’t a compressed nerve that can be fixed and reverse this fucking buzz in my body- has almost been too much to bear.
I don’t. No, I can’t live like this.
I’ve been trying to explain what persistent genital arousal disorder means to people- family and close friends… why is it so devastating to hear that it is likely never to get better and when Dr. Hibner says ‘it’s progressing’, that means it is getting worse.
I want you to set 8 different cell phone reminders. To go off periodically every hour.
Reminder 1- every 2 minutes.
Reminder 2- every 7 minutes.
Reminder 3- every 9 minutes.
Reminder 4- every 11 minutes.
Reminder 5- every 17 minutes.
Reminder 6- every 20 minutes.
Reminder 7-every 23 minutes.
Reminder 8- every 24 minutes.
Now. Go do something you must get done. Go try and compile a report at work. Go do laundry or run a meeting, how about cook dinner?
Every time that reminder goes off- be pulled to arousal. Or vaginal pain. Random Itching. Shooting or stabbing pains. These feelings every two minutes or seven minutes or eleven minutes is absolutely overwhelming for me. The ‘energy’ from the constant pull towards arousal is STUCK. It doesn’t go away because I want to focus on work. There is no way to release it. Orgasms don’t touch it, it doesn’t make it worse… but it’s not a true mental awareness arousal… where your love touches you and you react, anticipating the next touch. This is an itch you can’t reach or a constant buzz of energy and I’m stuck with all of that energy! And, it just moves and grows every time that alarm goes off. If your lucky, they’ll coincide and you’ll get disturbed once for two or three different symptoms/pains.
Now multiply that one hour, described above, by 24. Night. Day. Doesn’t matter the time or location. There is always some movement of pain or arousal and the energy builds until I literally want scream like a crazy mad woman to stop the ride. Get the fuck off. And never look back.
Then it calms. For 30 minutes
Then it flares. For 30 hours
Then it calms. For 3 hours
Then it flares. For 3 weeks
Then, the two times I’ve had a spontaneous orgasm… That energy, it still doesn’t go away!
There is no escape. It becomes impossible to breathe. Impossible to focus. Impossible to feel calm or safe. Impossible to ever find a comfortable zone… a plane my body can just BE on, with no pent up energy flying around body. I can’t find a calm.
I feel like I’m in a constant fight or flight mode and it is my body because my mind knows it’s not real. There is no reason to feel unsafe.
That is PGAD.