It’s been a very long week. I haven’t sleep very well this week. I felt very tired when I woke up on Thursday but since I was awake before the alarm went off, i decided to just get moving for the day. About 30 minutes after I woke up, my stomach starts hurting, bad! It just got worse and worse. It felt like it was out of the blue and then all the sudden, The left top abdominal wall was actual moving on the outside of my body and very painful. I could ‘see’ it cramp… odd but then…. Ouch and ugh. I can tell where this is headed. I stay close to the bathroom.
In the three hours it took me to get ready for work, 2 of those were spent on the toilet. Ugh- what ever, I’ll just roll with it, get it all out and then head to work. I’ve suspected this was coming because the ‘left SI joint VS garage door handle’ locked the entire left pelvic floor. But only the left side. I should have gone to the ER last Thursday but refused (as any true chronic pain patient would do). I knew then I was having massive issues moving the intestines because my stomach was hard to the touch.
I managed to get The husband out and then me and the kid up, dressed and out the house- not only in one piece but no fits and no fights! Even after the morning I had.
Anyway, I make it the 25 minute drive into work and BAMB- a massive stomach cramp hits and I am literally doubled me over in the parking lot at work, in my car and before I knew anything, I was incontinent of bowel. I sat there until the intestines stopped cramping and then took off to the restroom.
I can’t even pretend I was okay so I won’t. I cried. In the bathroom, at work and It’s ONLY 8am. I have a full day at work and zero way out of it. But more than that, what in the fuck would I do at home besides beat the living shit out of myself for having no control to stop the events of the morning.
This year has been some seriously fucked up firsts… in no particular order: a first to wet the bed (at my sisters, I might add- not even my own bed) during a wicked interstitial cystitis flare. My First spontaneous orgasm occurred climbing in the truck. My First true bowel incontinence. My first career loss. And, The truly sad thing, these firsts I’m talking about have all been followed by a second or third… these assaults come from all sides. They don’t stop. They haven’t stopped for a long time.
These medical issues are spiraling out of control. If I can’t find the core auto immune issue, I’ll only ever chase diagnosis after diagnosis. I’m tired of begging for help. Physician oversight is next to impossible to find and if I do, they’re SO subspecialized that it’s hard to get them to pull out of the weeds long enough to help me see the big picture and how what they do for me IS related to the issues I’m experiencing now and how it all fits. I need a rheumatologist now! Omg- in Tucson, that’s gonna be flipping impossible to find. Endocrinologist is the other doc on my list to locate. Anyone got any good ones in Phoenix?
I’m tired. I thought the darkness would close in on me if I became incontinent but a fellow PGAD sufferer told me I have options if that does happen so the darkness is receded a bit. Still a bitter truth of my future if I can’t find the root cause.
One foot in front of the other. That’s how I do it.
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