Yesterday, I felt okay, calmer with the pgad symptoms in the morning but bad bladder/urethra spasms that woke me up out of a dead sleep and caused me to fidget! I despise fidgeting and now I can’t stop. I am starting to possibly decipher what is actually spasming. If you’d asked me this morning I’d have told you I was just fine… but tonight, not so much. Damn it… it just feels like the part between the bladder and the clit is screaming and pissed off, rocked by painful irritation.
I’m new to the PGAD online community and the true diagnosis but after a couple weeks of being in the groups, I believe I’ve discovered that I have already built an extensive pain management toolbox for PGAD, I just didn’t have a competent physicians to help me get the true diagnosis.
I have cried each day, not only for myself but for each of the amazing women I’ve met! I’ve seen women in panic mode, freaking out because they’re having a constant and scary sudden onset of PGAD. I’ve spoken to another #pgadbadass who is in England! ♥️ I’ve seen people comment about killing themselves if this doesn’t stop, embarrassing conversations that end horribly with family, begging for help stopping the pain, hopelessness, complete fear it’ll only get worse. Pain, fear and anger are dangerous combinations but add hopelessness and that’s a serious recipe for suicide.
Today, finally, I know why I am still alive. The depression and anxiety I’ve suffered this last year have changed who I am at my core. I’ve begged and bartered with God to just take me. Living this life, with this pain had made it impossible to find the will to live. Now I know, I am still alive so I can help others.
So far, since starting my blog, I have been invited to speak at a conference in 2019- details to come later, if it works out for me to speak. I’ve been asked to help moderate an existing Facebook group for PGAD- what an honor!!! I have spoken to women via PM, text, and phone! My blog is reaching about thirty new visitors a day, across ten countries! I had a spotlight with a fellow blogger and endo warrior, Ashley. And the most movement has been this last three weeks! ♥️
While still recognizing that this sucks ass, I am here to say, I do believe- PGAD can (and does) get better! The people out there, like me, are more than willing to open their pain management tool boxes and compare notes.