I woke up yesterday and had a sudden realization that I was not in pain. I felt good! That never*fucking*happens!!! For reals! My body wasn’t humming… no PGAD undercurrent of buzz… no joint pain… no pelvic tightness or pain radiating down to my toes…I wasn’t bone tired, I was up!
I wish I could tell you I live for these days and rejoice that there is no pain but these days aren’t happy for me. They are a sparse reminder of what I SHOULD FEEL! I should feel okay, damn it. Of course, I should pay if I over do something or strain a muscle. Bust I shouldn’t feel this way for nothing. I think my greatest anger comes from the fact that I know, with out a doubt, I can’t replicate it. I can’t repeat it because I know that I haven’t done anything differently to get these results. I didn’t do/eat/smoke/topical/infused/physical therapy anything or way differently to feel SO amazing.
So, I can’t ever replicate that feeling. Believe me, I’ve tried and tried and tried. So then, add insult to that with the fact that I know damn well my body is perfectly capable of feeling normal all by itself but here I am, constantly digging deep in a toolbox to find some combination of past pain relief triggers to combat today’s pain… it’s ridiculous that I have to fight this hard to feel normal. I say normal only because that’s what my normal would feel like… a neutral zone for all pieces of my body, where all systems are at peace at the same time. It’s hard to continue to care for a body that has betrayed you.
I hope this explains why good days aren’t celebrated like one would expect. I believe a lot of patients experience similar feelings to what I am expressing. Not to say I won’t take full advantage of a good day, just pointing out how sometimes they remind me how bad the pain really is!