I traveled out of town this week. Helping family move. I have looked forward to this trip for a couple months. Road trip across the United States and a chance to see what real Fall looks like! Being an Arizona girl, we don’t get fall. We have summer and winter. And Winter lasts three months and it’s gone. Every ten years or so, it’ll actually snow in the desert. Snow on saguaros is stunning! Js
I worked a bit on the trip- 3 days actually and then my boss told me to take the last three days and enjoy my family. It’s odd to be at a place that actually says that and means it. While in office, I enjoy my time there but always second guessing myself. Guess that’s the trauma response. My previous work experiences leave me in a vulnerable position sometimes. Having a ex-CFO throw shit at me, a ex-CEO tell me that when I ‘open my mouth, nothing of value comes out.’ I have stories like this… repeatedly, regardless of where I was (company wise), I was the target. So being here is super odd and I still feel like bolting out the door – hell, even when I am on vacation-but I’m too stubborn to quit. So I push through and tell myself to silence the voices in my head and I tell myself it’s okay. I have one goal: I’ll kick ass, surprise my leadership with my knowledge and open a whole new division of the company. I have it all planned in my head! I imagine I’ll keep playing with the idea in my head and when it’s time, I’ll build my business presentation/business plan. I’ll present it at the right time and it’ll be picked up and I’ll be set. Hopefully to never have to start over at the bottom again.
I wish I could have enjoyed my time with my family and enjoyed a stress free trip. But that wasn’t to be. Anxiety and arguments with my kid make life super difficult and make me wish for something different. Not that my baby isn’t worth the effort but because I am unsure if I am making it worse. There is no play book here. No research I can do that will help me fix this mess. I feel like being sick her whole life and on opiates and then medical marijuana… she’s just seen so much more than most kids and my heart breaks for her.
Because of all that- I learned that crying in a different city is exactly the same as crying at home. Melt down mode active & No one asks if you’re okay. No one asks if you need anything. No one even makes eye contact.
With Tears streaming down my face, sitting outside on a curb, in a town near you I sat and cried for over an hour. I cried for my baby. She didn’t ask for this fucked up, sick mom. I cried for my husband- surely he deserves a less crazy bitch as a wife, right? I cried for my body, that always hurts. Every day, the pain is different but familiar enough to remind me that I have met that pain level before. I cried for my future. I cried for my past. I cried for the little girl that I once was. I cried angry tears… I cried spiteful tears and I cried pure pain. I felt utter defeat when it was all done.
I picked myself off the busy curb and went back inside. After all, dinner needs to be made and laundry done. Even on vacation.
Stay well. Be kind to yourself. And cry if you need to.